Before finding Beat the Binge program, I was obsessed with food, my weight and trying to manipulate my body into a version I could more readily accept.
Forty-five years of my life was spent in food bondage.
Countless hours, dollars and tears were expended in trying to control, manipulate, change, correct, fix, or accept the “problem.” All the while, believing I was the problem.
I had come to the conclusion there was some essential flaw in my character making me incapable of managing a “right” relationship with food. My relationship with food was so distorted that I lived in terror of certain foods and lacked the ability to move freely in my life.
I had attempted and failed in every program, rehab, therapy, and twelve-step option. My weight fluctuated constantly and the reflected number on the scale dictated my mood. I weighed myself everyday for fifteen years in an attempt to control that number. Constantly believing I could stop it from going higher if I knew what it was!
There was a constant stream of noise in my brain, tortured obsessive thinking and hateful self-talk ran 24-7. The shame, guilt, frustration and despair were paralyzing. I wasn’t living; I was existing, barely surviving.
I decided to join the program because what I was doing wasn’t working. I was hooked when Lydia said, “There is nothing wrong with you.”
For some time, I had been considering that my problem was between the ears, however, I didn’t know the solution for my thinking problem.
I watched a number of the success videos on Lydia’s website and realized I was seeing the very thing I was looking for: Freedom from the bondage of food. I signed up the next day and haven’t looked back!
I am free! This program changed my life. I saw immediate results. I put away my scale, canceled my Weight Watchers membership--after eleven years of faithful attendance and participation--during the first week!
I did really hard things; in the past, I would have numbed myself and gone through it in a fog. I am more hopeful about my future. I feel fully present to each moment--recognizing it's not all butterflies and rainbows. I have so much time now--mentally and physically. Being able to have quiet in my mind and soul is transformative.
One of the things that surprised me was recognizing what I always called "waking up feeling thin." Midway through week one, I made the connection that the "thin" feeling I was experiencing was nothing more than the absence of a binge hangover! I could have that lean and clean feeling every day!
The other surprise for me was the power of celebration and how quickly my brain adapted to discovering "wins" and finding the evidence to support it!
I realized while reading through my evidence journal--another big surprising thing--I didn't need to heal/recover/deal with/ from any trauma or aspect of my history to get to freedom.
So much of my earlier work revolved around a false connection between my eating and abusive childhood. I'm not only surprised, I am shocked that all of that was a habit and the chatter used it to reinforce the habit! Recognizing what is chatter and separating it from my "critical" mother was one of the nicest surprises of this work for me!
Neutrality versus managing an eating disorder is different from every other approach I'd used. It's made all the difference. Empowered, aligned, balanced, purposeful, are descriptors I use now. Prior to this, powerless, distorted, broken, flawed, addicted, compulsive, hopeless--and this shift happened in eight weeks--miraculous!!