I was depressed and despairing ever being able to eat normally again. My identity was so wound up in making "healthy" eating choices that there was very little food that I thought was healthy anymore.
I would graze binge on almond butter and nuts and all kind of "healthy foods". I was restricting flour, sugar, dairy, and all my favorite foods at one point.
I was exercising to try to modify my body type from an inverted triangle to a more hourglass shape, I wasn't accepting who I am or how I was made (by God) at all and it was hurting me very badly.
I had read many many books on stored trauma and the therapeutic approach to healing the traumatic memories from my past, and thought I was on the right track thinking I had PTSD from a painful childhood and a traumatic ex-boyfriend who abused me.
I had spent a couple thousand dollars on supplements, trips to the doctor and medical testing, and was looking into doing more special care that would have cost even more to treat the emotional pain and physical pain.
I was extremely depressed and doubtful of my own ability to accomplish anything. I was not recognizing my strengths or taking credit for all I have accomplished. I felt like I was slipping into having the only good moments in my life being those I spent with food and then regretting it moments later because I didn't have the perfect body that I thought I wanted.
I was shackled by my desire to please others with my body (through how I looked) and thought this was the most important thing, that if I could just do this one thing then everything else would come together magically.
After doing Lydia's program, I can see the truth of how my body is not an object for anyone else's pleasure (including viewing pleasure) and that I am much more important than that and that I shouldn't be making my goal to be an object for other people's egos.
I can see how to get out of that mindset. I can view the world through clearer eyes and see how much of this problem is not the result of wounding from my childhood but is actually programmed into us from society.
I can see that the problem is actually not my family, but the social pressures from the world. I can see how habits work and how I don't have to believe my thoughts if I don't want to. It sounds so simple but it was really hard for me to imagine being out of this mental and emotional anguish so quickly.
It's allowed me to feel my feelings, to not feel like an outsider but to feel like I am normal, and it's allowed me to stop shifting the pain of an extremely harmful first relationship to eating and to actually get healing for those pains.
The pain and emotions don't go away, but it helps to be able to process things, and I have gained new tools and a new approach to those old wounds and it has actually helped me to stop viewing myself as a victim!
I find my prayer life has been enriched, I am more able to turn to the Lord with my needs, and I am more equipped to face the challenges of everyday life.
I am inspired to follow the dreams that I had placed on hold while working a deeply unsatisfying day-job that sucked up so much of my creativity that I wasn't able to work on creating anything of value (I am a musician and artist) in the meantime and I am feeling confident to pursue other career options. I even applied to Grad school simply because I wanted to.