I never thought I could lose weight, but after I had my little girl, it felt like an emergency
So I decided to go on a diet. Like a legit, restrict my calories, track everything - diet.
And it worked! It was amazing. I was thinner than I had ever been since I was a kid.
I loved it. I loved being thin. I loved the way it felt, how people treated me, and how healthy I felt.
But it also didn't seem like enough - it wanted to be fitter and leaner and "healthier" so I kept going
But then I started getting hungry. Really hungry.
And I stated caring a lot about food.
And actually feeling anxiety if I ate "too much" or the "wrong" foods
So I would make up for it by being even more diligent the next day
And another weird thing happened - if I ate ANYTHING I would gain weight. We are talking like - an apple.
And then I had my first binge. It was so good. It was so amazing after so long to just let myself eat. And I ate and ate until I was in pain. All the "wrong" foods.
And I was terrified. I never felt full. The only way that I knew I couldn't eat anymore was because I physically couldn't eat anymore.
I started to question who I was. Is this what I do if I don't keep myself in check? Am I just this really unhealthy person?
So I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't a monster, so I got more extreme the next day with my diet. I went back into the "fat burning" phase
And it got harder and harder. At first, I could stick to it for a couple weeks, then a couple days, then I would find myself binging when I even thought of "getting back to it."
I was really, really scared.
No one knew, and I was actually a health coach specializing in weight loss at the time.
I didn't know for years that I had an eating disorder. I just thought I was going insane. That I was my own brand of crazy. That normal people don't eat like this.
But I had never heard of binge eating disorder. Or that bulimia can be without vomiting.
I thought about food all day long. I obsessed about it. There was nothing more I wanted to do was eat, and nothing more terrifying.
I was taking the time I could have spent with my daughter to instead eat peanut butter.
I was planning my whole life around meals.
I would want people that I loved to leave so that I could eat in peace.
And the eating was getting really extreme. Standing up drinking molasses, making peanut butter sandwiches over and over and over telling my self each time this was THE LAST one.
I did that for years.
I had this question one day, "Am I going to die a binge eater?"
I might not have even known that term at the time. But whatever I thought I was then, it was "am I going to live the the rest of my life like this?"
And I decided that I needed help.
But every solution was that "I was broken" "I was an addict" "I had a disorder" "I have to just manage this for the rest of my life" "I am not like other people"
And I approached it that way for a long time. And I would have been happy to if things got better - but despite knowing all 42 of my triggers - I was STILL binging.
Then I finally found the missing piece. I had been studying mindfulness and neuroscience principles for a long time. I had used my knowledge to overcome fears, habits, to build a successful business...but the book brain over binge gave me some missing pieces to realize I could apply what I had learned to my eating disorder.
I had never thought to do that because my eating disorder was in a "can not be cured" category
And now I am totally free. I don't have an eating disorder anymore. And I never will.
But it's not just me. How I got better doesn't really matter. Anyone can say how they got cured, but they aren't YOU right?
And I wanted to know how this worked for other people.
Good thing I had over 8,000 clients on my team, many of whom were really struggling with their relationship with food.
So I started teaching them these principles. And THEY were getting free. And I was understanding how to apply these principles in different situations.
What about when someone has been bulimic for 35 years? What if someone has severe food allergies so their diet has to be restricted? What if this started as a child before they can even remember? What if they have had severe trauma in their past?
Those are all examples of real women who I have coached. And they are ALL free.
I am completely convinced that ANYONE can be free of disordered eating.
I have seen hundreds of women get free now. It's not just me.